Friday
Sure, you can hire a Sasquatch for cheap to help build your house, but at the end of the week, the only thing left standing will be that Sasquatch, only now he has a hammer.
Labels:
Animal Kingdom,
Business,
Dilemmas,
Fighting
Sunday
Friday
Good Advice: If you're outside during an earthquake, run into a building and go up to the highest floor to wait it out.
Labels:
Common Sense,
Dilemmas,
Fears,
Wisdom Of The Ages
It was a simple but costly mistake my niece made. But I should probably have taken Black Christmas off the movie shelf at home.
Labels:
Christmas,
Family,
Fears,
Kids,
Lessons Learned
My niece said she saw Santa getting tasered and handcuffed out by the homeless shelter. I kept quiet. Best to let kids have their myths.
Labels:
Christmas,
Common Sense,
Fighting,
Kids,
Old Peoples
Things you hear in the city at night: A man playing saxophone on a street corner, a security guard whistling during his rounds , cabs honking their horns, a homeless man prying the lid off a bucket behind a restaurant and another homeless man beside him saying “Gee Ace, that just looks like old deep fryer oil to me”, and Ace replying “You got it all wrong Marv, this here is pure beer, haven’t you ever heard of a beer keg before?” and then Marv saying “This ain’t no beer keg Ace, it’s a bucket full of oil. Let’s get out of here for chrissakes”, and then Ace yelling “Fine Marv, you just blew it. Go ahead and leave. I’m going to stay and drink this free beer and get drunk while you walk around like an idiot”, and then Marv saying “I told you not to call me an idiot, and I ain’t drinking no goddamn fryer grease, and if I was you, I’d back the fuck up and not get in my face about it”, and then the sound of a struggle and Ace screaming “You think I give a fuck if I die tonight? Try fucking with me, Marv, just go ahead and try it. We’ll go right to the fucking end with this one buddy”, and then the sound of the restaurant back door opening and a man yelling “Jesus, what’s going on out here?” and then the sound of Ace and Marv scampering away.
My friend Murdoch once opened a restaurant called Little Chicken Dinners but it failed because of preconceived notions about portion size.
Labels:
Common Sense,
Food,
Murdoch,
People Are Stupid
Old Jeb is great at giving wise advice, but sadly he only gives it to that dead raccoon he keeps in a chair on his porch.
Labels:
Animal Kingdom,
Nature,
Old Jeb,
Wisdom Of The Ages
Wednesday
When salesmen come to my door, I like to trick them by inviting them in and leaving a closet door open that’s full of suitcases and pamphlets and car keys. Then I quickly run over and close the door and say “Oh that… that’s nothing… never mind that!” And then I say “Make yourself comfortable. Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back Mr. Salesman”. And then I back out of the room smiling. But I’m just going to get my cheque book. Suckers.
Friday
Wednesday
My pal Murdoch wrote Short Circuit 2 but had his name removed from the credits because they cut the scene where Johnny 5 kills Fisher Stevens.
Labels:
Dilemmas,
Movies,
Murdoch,
People Are Stupid,
Politricks
Sunday
Thursday
Things you hear in the city at night: High heels clicking on pavement. Music spilling out from bars. Tipsy girls laughing on their way into a pizza parlor. A hungry alley cat meowing for food. Police sirens in the distance. An old man begging for change. That same old man whistling at a college girl. That girl’s boyfriend saying “Are you asking for a beating old man?” The old man replying “You college boys always got such smart mouths?” The college boy saying “Bring it on oldtimer”. The old man pulling out a gun and saying “Life’s a bitch and then you die”. The gun firing and people screaming. The old man flipping a coin at the lifeless body and saying “Here’s a quarter. Go downtown and learn some fucking manners.” Then the old man fires off two warning shots yelling “Aloha from Hawaii, cocksuckers."
Wednesday
Tuesday
Monday
Friday
Thursday
When rude, inconsiderate people break wind, I like to close my eyes and pretend that a mouse on a motorcycle just went by wearing goggles, a riding helmet and a leather jacket on his way to another adventure in Mouse City. When I do that, it gives me a nice pleasant feeling and I forget all about the broken wind. Except when it smells, then things get real and people get laid out.
Monday
Thursday
One of my all-time dreams is to get accidentally trapped in a supermarket overnight. Not only could you eat as many chocolate bars or little cakes that you could handle, but you could also walk up to the guy who opens the doors in the morning like everything was normal, with a bag of apples in your hand and ask “are these on sale or what?”, and just watch the guys mind blow.
Earth. 2019. A line drawn in the sand. On one side, 100 half-starved wolverines. On the other, 250 cobra snakes. Hovering above both sides is a swarm of African Wasps mutated from nuclear radiation. Who wins? Superman, who shows up and freezes them all and then takes his time stomping them to death.
Labels:
Animal Kingdom,
Dilemmas,
Fighting,
Pets,
The Future
I was camping with my girlfriend but to our dismay there were no animals in the woods. None. We drove back to the city confused and found out that all the animals had taken over our civilization. A bear in a suit and tie came after me when I got out of the car. Then I woke up in my tent. It was all just a dream. I rolled over to look at my girlfriend but she had the face of a BEAR! Another dream! I woke up in the tent alone. I laughed because I didn’t really have a girlfriend after all. Somewhere in the woods, I heard a howl.
Wednesday
To accommodate all religions, we should stop saying “Thank God It’s Friday” (T.G.I.F.). Instead we could say, “It’s Friday” (I.F.) and just wink. Or maybe we could do a group dance kind of thing in the mornings at work, so that way everyone knows it’s Friday and we could stop making such a big deal out of it.
I love watching hot dog eating contests as much as the next sports fan, but one change I would make (I’m dreaming out loud here) is instead of giving them regular water, they should make them drink the water the dogs were boiled in. That way they get all the nutrients from the hot dog and no reporter can accuse the contest of being half-assed.
Things you hear in the city at night:
A baby crying, a prostitute walking in high heels, glass breaking, an old man whistling, a raccoon eating a corn cob out of a garbage can, a siren wailing in the distance, a homeless man asking for change and then that same homeless man saying “Fuck off” a few seconds later and then some other loud voices and then a scuffle and someone else yelling “Knock it off, Scottie, you’re drunk” and then the homeless man yelling “Here, try this on for size” and then more scuffling and then a girl yelling “Someone call the police!” and then a chain snapping and a canopy collapsing and the homeless man screaming “I’ll go all the way! I don’t give a sweet fuck!” Stuff like that.
A baby crying, a prostitute walking in high heels, glass breaking, an old man whistling, a raccoon eating a corn cob out of a garbage can, a siren wailing in the distance, a homeless man asking for change and then that same homeless man saying “Fuck off” a few seconds later and then some other loud voices and then a scuffle and someone else yelling “Knock it off, Scottie, you’re drunk” and then the homeless man yelling “Here, try this on for size” and then more scuffling and then a girl yelling “Someone call the police!” and then a chain snapping and a canopy collapsing and the homeless man screaming “I’ll go all the way! I don’t give a sweet fuck!” Stuff like that.
At Thanksgiving, Aunt Joyce brings over her famous dish, the Turkey Floater. Everyone fights over it with their forks, hoping that this is the year they get the turkey neck. I once got the neck two years in a row. Even the dogs were drooling. But Aunt Joyce isn’t dumb. She keeps a couple necks at home for her own enjoyment. That’s the privilege of the dishmaker I guess.
Friday
Occasionally when I get the blah’s, I’ll cheer myself up by taking yesterday’s newspaper and putting it on top of the other papers in the box on the street corner. Then I wait around whistling, waiting for someone to buy it.
When they do, I go up to them and say “I’m here, just like I said I would be. Now do you believe me that time travel really works?” When they give me a strange look, I say “Look at the date on the paper”. When they are confused, I say “So this is your second chance. I saved your life once already. Don’t make the same mistake tomorrow because I won’t be there with the time machine when that knife comes out of nowhere.”
Then I walk away all cool.
When they do, I go up to them and say “I’m here, just like I said I would be. Now do you believe me that time travel really works?” When they give me a strange look, I say “Look at the date on the paper”. When they are confused, I say “So this is your second chance. I saved your life once already. Don’t make the same mistake tomorrow because I won’t be there with the time machine when that knife comes out of nowhere.”
Then I walk away all cool.
Not many people know this but the movie E.T. was based on a true life story. The only thing they changed was that in real life, E.T. and the kids didn’t survive that bicycle stunt they stupidly tried. They hit the ground hard and a homeless dog came and dragged E.T. into the woods. No one at NASA knows what happened to him after that but I’d be willing to bet he was probably eaten by that dog.
The Carpenters were a great band. Two guys who put down their hammers and tools and crafted some very beautiful songs. One of the guys had an excellent, almost feminine voice. It takes a lot of courage to quit your day job like that and just live out your dreams. My (hard) hat goes off to you, gentleman.
Sometimes I’ll go and visit my grandmother who lives alone in the country. To help her out, I’ll do the dishes which leaves her time to chop and pile the wood in the backyard. She accidentally cut her foot off last winter though, so it takes her longer nowadays to get the wood finished. So often I have to start preparing the supper which is a real pain.
Sure, laugh it up with your friends while having a coffee at the office and I’ll just sit here in my cubicle getting all the work done. But when 5 o’clock rolls around and you’re busy saying bye to everyone who likes you, I’m already on the bus heading back to my apartment. You didn’t think of that, did you?
When I’m in a movie theatre and someone is talking really loudly while the movie is on, I don’t tell them to be quiet. I take my house key and sneak up behind them and put it to their neck and say, “How does it feel? You’re ruining the movie for me so I’m going to ruin your conversation.” Although sometimes it just adds fuel to the oven.
If I had a million dollars, I would invent a silent chip bag that doesn't crinkle when you put your hands in it. Then when I'm on the bus and bite down on the chips, people are surprised to hear the crunching because they thought I was eating dried fruit or something. People are fools.
Labels:
Food,
People Are Stupid,
Public Transportation
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