Friday

As I stood at the top of the ramp, I knew it was my destiny to be a pro skateboarder. I remember waving at my Mom before the darkness came.
My old man used to put bacon grease on the bottoms of our sleds to make them lightning fast. That's how we lost my cousin Frank to a bear.
I like to bounce an imaginary ball as I walk to work, but sometimes I end up catching a real stray ball because I’m so prepared for it.
The one character Hollywood should start using more is Batman.
Sure, you can hire a Sasquatch for cheap to help build your house, but at the end of the week, the only thing left standing will be that Sasquatch, only now he has a hammer.
The detective pulled the knife out of the victim’s back and said “IT’S MURDER!”
I really like that band the Beatles, especially their stuff from the 60’s.
A good idea for a new Jaws movie would be a shark that terrorizes a small community off the coast of New England and someone has to kill it.
When my young nephew asked me, I decided to level with him. Yes, Aunt Lena died in the room where you sleep every night, in the same bed actually, but that was six months ago.
The legend of Hercules lives on, my friends. You may not hear about it, or talk about it much. But the legend continues.
In a dream I hired Van Morrison to sing at my party but he got drunk and wouldn't stop singing so we had to beat him pretty good. Cool guy though.
It would be weird to walk into a big building that's empty and you go "Hello?" and you hear an old man's voice from somewhere say "hello".
I like how the USA carves their Presidents faces on Mount Olympus. We should do something similar in Canada with our Presidents.
Being able to walk into a movie through your TV would be cool. But what if you tripped with the popcorn and fell into Jaws 2? See ya buddy.
Me being stoned and drunk is like Ozzy at the smartest, clearest moment of his life.
Almonte is such a nice town to visit. It reminds me of one of those Norman Rockwell movies.
Was at the Ozzy concert in 86 when he jumped out of a dragons mouth, fell 40 feet to the stage hard but got up and screamed "...Rock and Roll!!"
We all had a big laugh when Old Jeb fell off the deck. But we stopped when he stood up with the bat and asked what was so goddamn funny.
Easily the best mermaid movie is Splash.
Sometimes on a Friday night I'll crank up Jimmy Buffett, open the rum and throw on a Hawaiian shirt. But nothing much ever seems to happen.
I snuck my 9-year old nephew in to see Paranormal Activity. A crew had to hit him with the firehose to blow him out from under the seat.
It was sad when Aunt Linda mistook the wood-chipper for a lawn chair but we all learned a valuable, if not unforgettable lesson that day.
Wonder if Brett Favre ever went into a huddle and said "I just crapped in my tights for real after that sack. Somebody, please, tell me what to do".
Here's a good test: Look out a window into the rain while drinking a beer and softly sing the "Cheers" theme song. Good luck not crying bro.
Boy, did we laugh. We stopped when Phil got up off the ground, stumbled for a few steps and fell down again. Then we resumed the laughing.
Jeff Healey had no idea he was acting in a movie called Roadhouse. He actually thought Dalton was his friend. Wake up Jeff.

Sunday

It's super embarrassing when you're out on a date and you get electrocuted and you let out that really high-pitched panicky scream.
My pal Murdoch invented a "vintage" computer keyboard that sounds like a typewriter when you type. So far, sales have been modest.
The crowd thought I was playing some revolutionary bass solo but the truth is that I was being electrocuted big-time.
No one ever planned for the remote possibility of Robocop getting drunk. Good work scientists. Now Detroit is burning to the ground.
Now that I'm a team mascot myself, I feel awful about all the trouble I caused these guys over the years, especially the horrific beatings.
I like that Hollywood is remaking all the 1970's horror movies because that means we now don't have to watch the black and white originals.

Friday

As the tailor measured my leg, I realized I wasn't in a Moore's suit store, but a Morgue. And I was being measured for a coffin. OH MY GOD!
You know what they say: Walk around slowly and carry a big stick.
I'm surprised we don't find the occasional salt shaker in our chip bags. You'd think one would get loose during the salting process.
Often I'll roll over in bed and Liz is sitting up with her eyes open. Then she tells me we need to break up. They call it "sleeptalking".
If I was on Hell's Kitchen, I would tell Gordon Ramsey "Hey Gordo, you don't impress me bud". I bet he would respect that fresh approach.
I've had to fight my way out of many a restaurant after a spat with the waiter but last night at Pancho Villa went to a new horrible level.
Sometimes I'll sit alone at the piano playing "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins and just weep at the majesty of life.
Solid Love Advice: Swiss Chalet is a great place to meet girls. They already love good chicken so you’re halfway there buddy.
You know what'd be funny? A tow-truck hauling another tow-truck. I'd say "Who's towing who?" and we'd all have a big, confusing laugh.
Good Advice: If you're outside during an earthquake, run into a building and go up to the highest floor to wait it out.
If you think just by my "no bars held" attitude that I’m an AC/DC fan, then you just hit the biggest bullseye of your life there my friend.
Hey computer nerds: I may not know what the hell it is you do, but come near a hockey rink and I'll show you what I do ie; score and punch.
Even I don’t like Nickelback.
I guess as a joke Matthew Perry signs autographs with "Fuck Off Loser" but he should be careful lest he be misinterpreted by his other fans.
When the doctor said the dreaded words "found a spider nest in your ear hole", it was like I didn't hear him, or didn't want to hear him.
I have a freezer full of old Playboy mags from 1997 that I will thaw out one day and sell for a premium.
As the grandstand buckled and collapsed around the football field, I kept running for the touchdown as a final tribute to our great fans.
Ever since I fell off the church balcony at my brother's wedding, my thoughts have a Spanish accent like Antonio Banderas.
I feel a strange, cosmic kinship with Luke Skywalker when I stand on my balcony and look into space, pondering my destiny as I take a leak.
Go ahead kids. Laugh it up. Meanwhile, I'll just lie here beside the trampoline with a shattered leg while YOU enjoy yourself.
It was a simple but costly mistake my niece made. But I should probably have taken Black Christmas off the movie shelf at home.
When Kurt Russell didn't get the nod for Captain Ron, I stopped believing in the Oscars as a legitimate governing body of good movies.
I think no one came because by mid-July, people are real tired of celebrating birthdays.
I often panic when I'm in an elevator with a lot of people, so the judge told me I have to stop carrying around my pepper spray.
Thinking of opening a video rental store as a business venture. Can't think of any possible drawbacks.
The first thing they teach you at Canadian Tire is how to spot counterfeit Canadian Tire money.I've seen bills with Colonel Sanders on it.
If the Thompson Twins are considered New Wave, then I never want to get old.
My niece said she saw Santa getting tasered and handcuffed out by the homeless shelter. I kept quiet. Best to let kids have their myths.
Dee Snider of Twisted Sister fought hard all his life for the rights of metalheads, but one thing he didn't fight for was his own hygiene.
As far as I'm concerned, Whitesnake went downhill when they kicked Tawny Kitaen out of the band. "Here I Go Again" ...ruining Whitesnake.
When Old Jeb sets his mind to something, …well, he usually ends up at the bottom of the stairs with a broken femur.
When you have to apologize for something, do it sincerely, but then do something bad to that person right away just to keep them in line.
Now being adults, perhaps its time for the kids in "We Are The World" to start paying that money back. The original singers could use it.
Sometimes when I watch a Chuck Norris movie, I feel stronger, so alive, like I could go ahead and eat those last two slices of pizza.
I had a dream where Tony The Tiger turned on some kids because, man, working with kids all the time has got to be annoying. They shot him.
It's shocking to find out that the Littlest Hobo was really a dwarf dressed in a dog suit. Fooled by dwarfs ... again.
It always makes me uneasy when they find a new planet in space, because they once thought the Death Star was a planet. Wrong.
It's embarrassing when you go through a windshield and slide on the street for 30 yards. Everybody staring and stuff. Like go home folks.
Things you hear in the city at night: A man playing saxophone on a street corner, a security guard whistling during his rounds , cabs honking their horns, a homeless man prying the lid off a bucket behind a restaurant and another homeless man beside him saying “Gee Ace, that just looks like old deep fryer oil to me”, and Ace replying “You got it all wrong Marv, this here is pure beer, haven’t you ever heard of a beer keg before?” and then Marv saying “This ain’t no beer keg Ace, it’s a bucket full of oil. Let’s get out of here for chrissakes”, and then Ace yelling “Fine Marv, you just blew it. Go ahead and leave. I’m going to stay and drink this free beer and get drunk while you walk around like an idiot”, and then Marv saying “I told you not to call me an idiot, and I ain’t drinking no goddamn fryer grease, and if I was you, I’d back the fuck up and not get in my face about it”, and then the sound of a struggle and Ace screaming “You think I give a fuck if I die tonight? Try fucking with me, Marv, just go ahead and try it. We’ll go right to the fucking end with this one buddy”, and then the sound of the restaurant back door opening and a man yelling “Jesus, what’s going on out here?” and then the sound of Ace and Marv scampering away.

Robocop once threw the ceremonial first pitch at a Mets game. The funeral for the catcher was paid for by OCP.
When we were kids, my family couldn't afford a TV, so for fun we'd just listen to Old Jeb talk about whores in his sleep.
"I may not have had a mother, but I didn’t have a father either, so it evens out in the end." - The Maniac.
They found my pal Murdoch once in the Mexican desert after a real hard bender. He was able to walk to the ambulance but Lemmy had to go on a stretcher.
A good way to get out of a fist fight is to say “Oh! I forgot I have another fight across town”. That way people will think you must fight a lot.
I created a new baseball pitch called the 'Laserball'. That's right. It’s where you wind up and throw it as fast as you can straight over the plate. It's real fast.
Apparently they don't let just anyone on TV, even if you take the time to go over there and tell your 3 best jokes to the guard.
I play the guitar like Chuck Berry, the bass like Lemmy and sing like Eddie Rabbitt. The complete package, ladies.
My friend Murdoch once opened a restaurant called Little Chicken Dinners but it failed because of preconceived notions about portion size.
Old Jeb is great at giving wise advice, but sadly he only gives it to that dead raccoon he keeps in a chair on his porch.
I personally like to tip waiters 5% and leave the rest up to imagination.
If being handsome were illegal, my friend Murdoch would get the death penalty.
If being handsome were illegal, Old Jeb would be a cop.
If being handsome were illegal, I'd be on parole.
You’d be surprised how good a jumbo Mr. Big bar can be at 8 in the morning.
Some advice I’ve always found helpful is “Don’t pick up any wooden nickels”. I’ve seen many, only picked up a couple.
My friend Murdoch invented a new chocolate bar called Nugget Log. He’s currently negotiating with Cadbury. Fingers crossed.
Every time I step onto the ice, my soul transforms into that of a true hockey champion. These 10 year olds are gonna lose to a pro today.
Advice to my co-workers: When I'm gunning for you on the forklift for jokes, stand still. When you try to dodge me, it's 50-50 if I hit you or not.
Nothing for nothing, but you probably can’t find a better movie than The Three Amigos.
You’d think Tim Hortons would have more than 4 Boston Cream donuts at any given time. But no, I had to straighten a few people out.
The true story of The Jungle Book is that Mowgli was, indeed, raised by wolves, but they decided to eat him when he got fat enough.
I wonder how many people regret getting Jar Jar Binks tattoos back in 1999? I know I do.
When you get thrown off a horse, the only thing to do is get right back on that horse and beat it without mercy.
When that big bus came roaring towards us, I thought “It’s either Old Jeb or me”, so Old Jeb ended up taking a pretty hard blow that day.
When Old Jeb starts choking at the dinner table, we have to be real careful about slapping his back too hard, so we usually just let him ride it out.

Wednesday

When salesmen come to my door, I like to trick them by inviting them in and leaving a closet door open that’s full of suitcases and pamphlets and car keys. Then I quickly run over and close the door and say “Oh that… that’s nothing… never mind that!” And then I say “Make yourself comfortable. Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back Mr. Salesman”. And then I back out of the room smiling. But I’m just going to get my cheque book. Suckers.

Friday

It was weird that Uncle Jeb was typing “kill, kill” repeatedly and not talking, but Uncle Jeb has always been a little quiet. So no worries there.
If you ever get maced in the eyes, I find it really helps to start screaming and running around in a panic.
When my girlfriend didn’t answer, I went to hang up and realized it wasn’t a phone I was holding to my head but A LOADED GUN!
Okay, so we all know Van Halen invented heavy metal but, in my view Black Sabbath came along and perfected it.
If aliens exist, I hope they’re more like “Mac and Me” instead of “E.T.”.
Heads up guys: The United Way doesn’t pay their volunteers! There’s two weeks of my life I’ll never get back.
I have it on good sources that the Proclaimers are really just one guy. Scam of the century.

Wednesday

“Don’t worry kids. One day they will rebuild Disneyland and we can all forget about what you did here today.”
– Dad
"A lot of my clients love Cleveland so much, they just decide to stay."
- Hobo travel agent.
My pal Murdoch wrote Short Circuit 2 but had his name removed from the credits because they cut the scene where Johnny 5 kills Fisher Stevens.
That movie The Warriors was loosely based on a script called
“The Warriors”.
Ace Frehley and Eric Clapton once had a guitar duel and Clapton had to go on heroin to recover.
So I says to her “That’s YOUR theory”. But she was right. I hadn’t brushed my teeth.
Accidentally voted for the Communist Party last election. Phew! They didn't win.
As Lois woke up with severe wind burn, she thought “Maybe I should have married Clark”.
My friend Murdoch has a tattoo of someone giving him a tattoo. If you stare at it too long you go right crazy.

Sunday

The phrase "My girlfriend is psychotic" surprisingly gets a lot of hits on Google.
If they ever make Jaws 5, I hope they don’t kill the shark at the end so they can go ahead and make Jaws 6.
My friend Murdoch invented Zumba.
My pal Murdoch was so drunk the other night he slept with my girlfriend. That Murdoch is a real character, I tell ya.
It’s embarrassing to choke in a restaurant, but it’s even more embarrassing when you choke on the way there.
Lesson Learned: Sometimes macing a Kodiak bear in the face will only make him more violent and dangerous instead of afraid.

Thursday

The cop called it “pulling a moon”. I called it "a gentleman washing his feet". Still got arrested.
Not sure about that Lady Ga Ga, but Crystal Gale still does it for me.
Things you hear in the city at night: High heels clicking on pavement. Music spilling out from bars. Tipsy girls laughing on their way into a pizza parlor. A hungry alley cat meowing for food. Police sirens in the distance. An old man begging for change. That same old man whistling at a college girl. That girl’s boyfriend saying “Are you asking for a beating old man?” The old man replying “You college boys always got such smart mouths?” The college boy saying “Bring it on oldtimer”. The old man pulling out a gun and saying “Life’s a bitch and then you die”. The gun firing and people screaming. The old man flipping a coin at the lifeless body and saying “Here’s a quarter. Go downtown and learn some fucking manners.” Then the old man fires off two warning shots yelling “Aloha from Hawaii, cocksuckers."

Wednesday

Never let the guitar play you. That’s what happened to Jimi Hendrix.
You don't see too many cowboys with glasses. That must be why they squint so much.

Tuesday

Some friends call me the Wolfman because when the moon is full, I run into the streets in search of fried chicken. Also because I’m hairy.
For fun I like to embarrass my girlfriend in the supermarket by holding up a box of Joe Louis and saying really loudly "I found them Liz!!"

Monday

The gentle, soothing pitter-patter of early morning rain in July on my window as I slowly awoke was actually my neighbour Phil's urine.
New girlfriend is vegan, so no egg in the special recipe ground beef for the surprise BBQ I'm giving her tonight. You have to respect her choices.
Girls don’t seem to be impressed by my complete Dokken LP collection. Next time, I’ll pull out the Whitesnake. not the band.
What does it mean when you lose 3 pounds just by taking a shower?

Friday

Held a big BBQ for the local War Amps children yesterday in my yard, but I ran out of gas about five minutes in so I bailed. Hope it’s safe to go back now.

Thursday

Why do girls laugh when guys ask them out? I’ve experienced this phenomenon like the rest of you. Perhaps it’s because they are nervous, or it’s a sort of defense mechanism against guys they find really good looking.
When rude, inconsiderate people break wind, I like to close my eyes and pretend that a mouse on a motorcycle just went by wearing goggles, a riding helmet and a leather jacket on his way to another adventure in Mouse City. When I do that, it gives me a nice pleasant feeling and I forget all about the broken wind. Except when it smells, then things get real and people get laid out.
Give a man a fish, he eats for the day. Give a man a fishing rod, and he may not eat at all, depending on the weather and a whole bunch of other things that could hurt his chances. So he’d probably rather just have the fish, thanks.

Monday

Lesson Learned:
From now on, I'll save the really scary movies for when he's at least four years old.

Thursday

What does it mean when you have a dream about a shirtless old man crashing through your living room window driving a police motorcycle? It means you’re not dreaming, buddy. You just lived through my Tuesday afternoon.
One of my all-time dreams is to get accidentally trapped in a supermarket overnight. Not only could you eat as many chocolate bars or little cakes that you could handle, but you could also walk up to the guy who opens the doors in the morning like everything was normal, with a bag of apples in your hand and ask “are these on sale or what?”, and just watch the guys mind blow.
What is the connection between carrots and gold? Other than having a similar colour, historians don’t seem to know, but the truth likely lies somewhere with the Aztecs and their strange, ancient ways (doesn’t everything?).
Sleep when you’re tired. Eat when you’re hungry. Drink when you’re thirsty. Attack when you’re angry.
I wonder if Ringo Starr, because of his name, was expected to be the big star of the Beatles, but disappointed everyone by turning out so ugly looking? Plus, the breath on the guy.
Earth. 2019. A line drawn in the sand. On one side, 100 half-starved wolverines. On the other, 250 cobra snakes. Hovering above both sides is a swarm of African Wasps mutated from nuclear radiation. Who wins? Superman, who shows up and freezes them all and then takes his time stomping them to death.
I was camping with my girlfriend but to our dismay there were no animals in the woods. None. We drove back to the city confused and found out that all the animals had taken over our civilization. A bear in a suit and tie came after me when I got out of the car. Then I woke up in my tent. It was all just a dream. I rolled over to look at my girlfriend but she had the face of a BEAR! Another dream! I woke up in the tent alone. I laughed because I didn’t really have a girlfriend after all. Somewhere in the woods, I heard a howl.

Wednesday

Rock and Roll had a baby. And they called it Rocky Jr.
To accommodate all religions, we should stop saying “Thank God It’s Friday” (T.G.I.F.). Instead we could say, “It’s Friday” (I.F.) and just wink. Or maybe we could do a group dance kind of thing in the mornings at work, so that way everyone knows it’s Friday and we could stop making such a big deal out of it.
I love watching hot dog eating contests as much as the next sports fan, but one change I would make (I’m dreaming out loud here) is instead of giving them regular water, they should make them drink the water the dogs were boiled in. That way they get all the nutrients from the hot dog and no reporter can accuse the contest of being half-assed.
Things you hear in the city at night:

A man yelling “Oh! Trying to show off eh? Here’s how fucking impressed I am Charles.” And then a gun going off.
Things you hear in the city at night:

A baby crying, a prostitute walking in high heels, glass breaking, an old man whistling, a raccoon eating a corn cob out of a garbage can, a siren wailing in the distance, a homeless man asking for change and then that same homeless man saying “Fuck off” a few seconds later and then some other loud voices and then a scuffle and someone else yelling “Knock it off, Scottie, you’re drunk” and then the homeless man yelling “Here, try this on for size” and then more scuffling and then a girl yelling “Someone call the police!” and then a chain snapping and a canopy collapsing and the homeless man screaming “I’ll go all the way! I don’t give a sweet fuck!” Stuff like that.
At Thanksgiving, Aunt Joyce brings over her famous dish, the Turkey Floater. Everyone fights over it with their forks, hoping that this is the year they get the turkey neck. I once got the neck two years in a row. Even the dogs were drooling. But Aunt Joyce isn’t dumb. She keeps a couple necks at home for her own enjoyment. That’s the privilege of the dishmaker I guess.

Friday

What’s a hamburger really? For such a tasty food, it’s surprisingly simple. Two buns, a patty and some ketchup. Sure, you can add some condiments and whatnot, but the basics remain the same.
We used to call her “Buck Tooth Betty”. My father said she could clean a cob of corn faster than you can say “corn cob”. Sometimes people called her “Horse Face” but we weren’t that mean. My friends and I just stuck with “Buck Tooth Betty” and she seemed to appreciate that, I think.
They should grow oranges without peels. Or better yet, they should grow oranges that when you peel them, instead there’s like three little strawberries inside. People like surprises.
For those of you going to Europe, they have this thing called a “bidet”. It’s right next to the normal toilet. You can go to the bathroom in either one, apparently. They give you a choice, which I like.
Occasionally when I get the blah’s, I’ll cheer myself up by taking yesterday’s newspaper and putting it on top of the other papers in the box on the street corner. Then I wait around whistling, waiting for someone to buy it.

When they do, I go up to them and say “I’m here, just like I said I would be. Now do you believe me that time travel really works?” When they give me a strange look, I say “Look at the date on the paper”. When they are confused, I say “So this is your second chance. I saved your life once already. Don’t make the same mistake tomorrow because I won’t be there with the time machine when that knife comes out of nowhere.”

Then I walk away all cool.
My dad used to tell me to go get a job sucking farts out of bus seats. I didn’t think such a job existed but every now and then when I’m on the bus, I sometimes stare at the bus driver and wonder, just wonder what goes on when there’s no more passengers.
Now I wouldn't say they "botched" the surgery on my ex-girlfriend. “Botched” is too strong a word. Let's just say they "ruined" her face. Botching it would mean, like, operating on the wrong person or something. At least they operated on the right face. Give them some credit.
It would be so hard to be homeless. Like, what do these guys have to look forward to after a long day at work? A cardboard box in an alley way? But they chose this lifestyle, so they have to suck it up I guess.
In some countries, when a person wants you to pull their finger, you should do it, because to say no would be to dishonor their culture.
Not many people know this but the movie E.T. was based on a true life story. The only thing they changed was that in real life, E.T. and the kids didn’t survive that bicycle stunt they stupidly tried. They hit the ground hard and a homeless dog came and dragged E.T. into the woods. No one at NASA knows what happened to him after that but I’d be willing to bet he was probably eaten by that dog.
Yes, we dropped the coffin. Yes, Uncle Ronnie rolled out and went down the church steps. Yes, one of his arms flew off. But I had an itch like you wouldn’t believe. So sue me.
The Carpenters were a great band. Two guys who put down their hammers and tools and crafted some very beautiful songs. One of the guys had an excellent, almost feminine voice. It takes a lot of courage to quit your day job like that and just live out your dreams. My (hard) hat goes off to you, gentleman.
Eyes. Can’t live with them. Can’t live without them.
Do bumble bees have assholes or just a big stinger? That’s something only a geologist can answer and they’re not returning my phone calls.
She had big jugs, alright. Huge ones. Just filled with pink lemonade on a hot day. She also had big tits. Really big tits.
“Guns and knives, cakes and pies,
Some will eat, some will die.”

Cool lyrics from the song “Gang Picnic” by my first band called The Harmpits.


What’s wrong with saying “I have to go and hang a food rope”? Maybe the judge would have preferred me to say “I gotta take a shit, your honour”...........Yah. Exactly.


A lot of people think Limp Biscuits were the first heavy metal band. But you people seem to forget the group Enter Sandman who had a huge hit called “Metallica” back in the early 90’s. Duh!
Sometimes I’ll go and visit my grandmother who lives alone in the country. To help her out, I’ll do the dishes which leaves her time to chop and pile the wood in the backyard. She accidentally cut her foot off last winter though, so it takes her longer nowadays to get the wood finished. So often I have to start preparing the supper which is a real pain.
There’s a saying that goes: Two birds in the hand is worth one bush. How true. How very true.
After I told the officer to “fuck off”, he didn’t break my jaw right away. First he smiled for a few seconds and said, “Thanks Henry. This is going to be fun.” But I don’t hold a grudge. These guys are under a lot of stress. It’s not their fault I was jaywalking.
If you ever have to shoot a rampaging bear, make sure you blind him with your first shot. That way he might attack the guy standing next to you, saving your life in the process.
They say you can’t teach a dog dirty tricks, but you can always teach them a new one. As long as the dog is old and the trick isn’t new to you. As you can tell, there’s lots of funny rules with dogs. But that’s why we love them so much.
Sure, laugh it up with your friends while having a coffee at the office and I’ll just sit here in my cubicle getting all the work done. But when 5 o’clock rolls around and you’re busy saying bye to everyone who likes you, I’m already on the bus heading back to my apartment. You didn’t think of that, did you?
When I’m in a movie theatre and someone is talking really loudly while the movie is on, I don’t tell them to be quiet. I take my house key and sneak up behind them and put it to their neck and say, “How does it feel? You’re ruining the movie for me so I’m going to ruin your conversation.” Although sometimes it just adds fuel to the oven.
If I had a million dollars, I would invent a silent chip bag that doesn't crinkle when you put your hands in it. Then when I'm on the bus and bite down on the chips, people are surprised to hear the crunching because they thought I was eating dried fruit or something. People are fools.